How I used to be...

Somebody asked me "how you used to be when you were happy ?"

I just can’t stop thinking about it. How I used to be?  I was a very jolly person, like a free soul, a free bird, no one had any expectations from me. I used to play guitar, sing loudly even if I was not that good at singing, used to learn sketching and used to waste a lot of money on stupid unnecessary hobbies or occasional interests (card making, paper quiling, learning sketching in which i was horrible, mehndi because of my grand mother etc etc).

I used to do so many mistake, I was the opposite of a perfectionist, like a panoti, I used to talk a lot, my phone bills used to cover almost half of my pocket money , I used to call my friends in the middle of the night and then I could go on talking to them for hours, non stop.  I used to text a lot, I used to love the loud music. I had hope in everything; I used to get over excited even on a simple silly thing.

I had these two people my two besties, people used to call us TRIMURTI or TRIGONOMETRY. My parents used to love me like their little princess, they still do but not like their little baby. My little sister always asked for suggestions from me, she always asked for my advice but now she don’t she is a big girl now. I had this perfect life where I didn't want anything else.

Dad was fine then. I had no worries. I had friends to hangout with. I was not much emotionally attached to anyone. I was living in the real world more instead of the friends who used to talk over phone or Facebook or orkut in the 20's wala desktop or SMS on the NOKIA 1100 at that time. Life was stupid but beautiful.

I was kiddish, carefree, happy, idiotic, insane, chatterbox and now I just have the kiddish voice nothing else.

“Happiness is a way of travel and not a destination” and it seems like I am walking on the wrong road.  I am addicted to this sadness, I am not able to smile with my heart. Sometimes I don’t feel like continuing t live. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want it all to stop and go away. I want to be calm. I want to be happy again.