LOVE happens once is a LIE.....I cannot live without you is another....

We grew up watching Kuch Kuch Hota Hai in which SRK said "Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai, aur pyaar bhi...sirf ek baar hota hai" Everything is right we live once, we die once but love and marriage, well love can happen more than once and it is totally normal to get in and out of love. It is not necessary that you will grow old with your high school sweetheart. Love is just not being in a relationship, it is more than a relationship and vice versa a relationship is not just about love, it requires friendship, understanding, scarifies, compromise and a little more to be in a relationship.

Now there is another saying that "Love happens only once, and the second time is always a compromise made to forget the first love." well maybe right but there is a difference between a time pass relationship and a relationship which came out of love. minimum 80% people in India do not marry the first person they fell in love with but they are still in a successful relationship because maybe the first one was no the perfect one for them. We can fall in and out of love so many times until we find the right person and if you are not happy with the person you are living with right now you should end it up as being single is better than being in a forceful relationship. 

"I cannot live without you." another lie. Nobody dies when someone close to them dies or when they leave them. Life goes on. Nobody stops breathing, it just takes time to get normal and stop thinking about that person, it is just how long it takes us to move on, everyone is born alone and will die alone, heartbreaks are just a part of it which help us to grow. At the end everyone gets their other halves at the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected way. you don't need to rush for it.

If you fall in love, just make sure you're loving and being loved by the right person, not just because it seems the right thing to do. Always remember it is better to be single but inspired rather than committed but confused.  

How I used to be...

Somebody asked me "how you used to be when you were happy ?"

I just can’t stop thinking about it. How I used to be?  I was a very jolly person, like a free soul, a free bird, no one had any expectations from me. I used to play guitar, sing loudly even if I was not that good at singing, used to learn sketching and used to waste a lot of money on stupid unnecessary hobbies or occasional interests (card making, paper quiling, learning sketching in which i was horrible, mehndi because of my grand mother etc etc).

I used to do so many mistake, I was the opposite of a perfectionist, like a panoti, I used to talk a lot, my phone bills used to cover almost half of my pocket money , I used to call my friends in the middle of the night and then I could go on talking to them for hours, non stop.  I used to text a lot, I used to love the loud music. I had hope in everything; I used to get over excited even on a simple silly thing.

I had these two people my two besties, people used to call us TRIMURTI or TRIGONOMETRY. My parents used to love me like their little princess, they still do but not like their little baby. My little sister always asked for suggestions from me, she always asked for my advice but now she don’t she is a big girl now. I had this perfect life where I didn't want anything else.

Dad was fine then. I had no worries. I had friends to hangout with. I was not much emotionally attached to anyone. I was living in the real world more instead of the friends who used to talk over phone or Facebook or orkut in the 20's wala desktop or SMS on the NOKIA 1100 at that time. Life was stupid but beautiful.

I was kiddish, carefree, happy, idiotic, insane, chatterbox and now I just have the kiddish voice nothing else.

“Happiness is a way of travel and not a destination” and it seems like I am walking on the wrong road.  I am addicted to this sadness, I am not able to smile with my heart. Sometimes I don’t feel like continuing t live. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want it all to stop and go away. I want to be calm. I want to be happy again.

I miss the OLD, HAPPY me..

Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know what is wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to anyone. All you want in the world is to be alone.

I am experiencing it and all I feel is staying in the bed and not going anywhere, I quit my job because I don’t feel like going there, I don’t talk to my friends anymore, I don’t go out, I just stay in the house and sleep, I lost my appetite also. Even at home I just lay on my bed the whole day. When someone ask what is wrong with me I say that I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I do, but I am afraid of people’s reaction, I feel like they will not treat me the same way they do now. I just don’t understand what I should do. No amount of sleep in the world could cure the tiredness I feel.

I am not depressed. I get anxious over the NORMAL things like tests, presentations, first dates, whatever. And then on small mistakes I feel like I have done a big crime and then i get anxious about being anxious but there is not even a thing to be anxious about. The worst part is I get frustrated because of it and I just keep on finding out searching over the internet whether the symptoms I have is of anxiety or something else. I remember I used to keep myself busy for like 14 hours a day, I ended up having no life at all. Now I don’t do anything and then I feel guilty that i wasted my time and it gives me panic attack and i feel powerless. I overanalyze everyday interactions. I stay at night for hours doing nothing just thinking about something or the other. I can come up with the worst scenarios in my mind.

“ I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t even know who I am anymore”